The Reality of my Dreams

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There was a message doing round when the Lockdown started which said Buy a house, the size which you can clean.  I am already worrying that I am not able to keep this house clean and organised the way I would like it, then how will I keep a Bungalow. An aunt has already told me how much hard work it involves. I can see my dream already slipping out of my hands. I have never been much of a dreamer . I never dreamt as a child about my future. My Mom would create a future with me that I will be happily married in Mumbai in a nice family to a very nice guy. I should wear only ironed and starched Kota Sarees with matching blouses and wear diamonds my ears. Ironed and starched clothes were worn when people went out for an occasion. Other wise, all women in Jharia Dhanbad wore  washed but un ironed cotton Sarees. They had three sarees and blouses which were worn regularly till they tore. The synthetic Sarees were worn when people went out for a party. For regular home wear, it was always cotton. In Mumbai,  I noticed most housewives wearing synthetic Sarees and Salwar Kameez. They feel it washes easy and dries fast even during the monsoons. Mumbai is one hell of a practical city. Most fashion designers barring few make outfits with only synthetic fabrics. I mean, we live in a Nation, which has the best variety of natural organic fabrics and weaves in the world and  all these so called talented Fashion Designers want to use imported synthetic fabrics. Their rich buyers also like to get fooled by them. 

I never dreamt that this is the college I will go to. I never had a dream holiday destination. I never dreamt of my wedding day or what a beautiful bride I will make. Nowadays, I see young girls so obsessed with their weddings and their relatives' weddings. I just lived life and kept taking the next step. There were no major goals and no place to go.Even the years I spent in the hostel, I never thought of taking an apartment on rent or getting married to move out of the hostel. I was happy the way I was and the way things were. I did not miss the college, once I moved out of it. I did not miss Polytechnic, when I moved to the Working Girls Hostel. Each stage was completed and one moved to the next. I mean, who misses Lower K.G. when one is in class Three. Life just meandered and I was happy flowing. Hostel friends moved jobs, moved cities, got married and moved on. Nothing mattered. We hardly stayed in touch as they were days of   'No mobiles'. Life seems to be divided into two eras Pre Mobile and with Mobile phones. My children cannot believe that the earlier cellphones did not have a camera. Something so basic for them, was always a luxury for me. People asked me my favourite film, for years, I did not have any. I still do not but later I had learnt to say some super hit film. For my marriage, my parents got proposals from  boys in Colaba to Borivali, Ahmedabad, Calcutta etc. There was no dream city I wanted to live in. Life was simple without choices. I do not know if there were no choices or I did not know choice existed. Either ways, I was happy. 

Some days, I am pressured to dream big. I feel I should dream for my children's future. But I am lazy  about these things regarding dreams. I do not want to put the weight of my dreams on others. One should dream to do better in life. Better than where we are. I never learnt to dream. I remember in Jharia, we lived in a 'Makaan'. I always wanted to live in a bungalow. My Mom would say look at the people around you and see how they are living. Be grateful for what you have. I did not know gratitude in those days. Mom's talks did not make any sense. I felt there was nothing wrong in wanting a better house. Why should I keep looking at the poorer people all the time and feel I am at a better place? Why can't I look at people richer than us and aim/ strive to reach there? Unconsciously, when I want to say rich, I think of people above me. Gosh, this economic disparity in my mind! Do dreams boil down to money? Are my dreams about haves and have nots? Is my dream going to be crushed between Socialism and Capitalism? 

Notes to myself:
Do I have a dream worth pursuing? Who decides which dream is worthy and why it is not? 


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