Learnings in Lockdown - 2

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The charger for the MacBook is not working. My phone charger is working solely on my will power. Has the time come to switch to the healthy Apple? The whole family uses gadgets of different brands. We are not able to share our chargers for phone or laptops. During the last Europe trip, I had carried only one adaptor. We had such a tough time charging our phones. I do not think, my phone saw a 100 percent charge ever with all the excess use of Google Maps and timings n entrance fees for all the sightseeing places. I am wondering if I should cut the stems of green chillies and will that make them stay fresh longer. Should I cut the coriander and keep in a glass container or do I let it be in the plastic bag? My fridge is messy but who wants to remove everything and wash the shelves.  These are heavy questions on my mind. I got some vegetables and left it untouched the whole night. Next morning , Viola, there was fungus on most of it. Have decided from now on, I shall wash, dry and use veggies instead of getting them germ free by keeping them overnight. Because everything is so quiet and the doorbell does not ring, I am at much peace. I am sleepy the whole day or rather I am ready to sleep at all hours. I cannot believe I used to stress so much about the maid's arrival timings and the kind of work she is doing. My day was spent in monitoring her and the Cook. I am not liking myself when I think the amount of hours I have wasted on what I thought was productive work. 

I had thought I will make friends with Instagram in this lockdown . I shall understand the subtle art or should I say the science of Hash Tags. In college days, Hash and Grass were drugs. Now there are new names for all the old things.  'Sup' is no more Supper. 'Sick' is not bad or unwell but cool.   Do I  learn jargons instead of a new language. Then I kept thinking if I should learn a  foreign language and which one. I went through the merits of each country and realised I wanted to learn Thai as I love my friends there. I also want to learn Punjabi. I love Punjabi songs but do not get the meanings of most of them including the Bhangra Rap music which is full of English words. My English is now spiked with Hindi words. Vedic Maths is not helping me write my daily Hisaab. May be one day I will be as good as my Mom n Dad in Maths. The way they know tables even of decimal numbers and the speed with which they can add, divide and subtract. I am yet to get there. My Dadi and Chacha also  could do that so fast. Now even with calculators, our speed is slower. I am missing doing Sudoku at nights. I cannot do it on my phone. I need physical newspaper to solve Crossword or Sudoku. So much 'Should' and 'should not' in my life has disappeared. And so many new hurts are showing up. Hurt and pains which had got brushed under years of muck. Few days of Lockdown, I was in the cry zone where in my mind, I was cursing myself for taking crap from people or cursing them for being nasty to me. I was enjoying this victimhood as it kept my mind off Corona. I am still unable to fathom how I hold so much grief inside me. Why do I hold things against people? The pain is in the past and yet why do I keep it alive? What purpose does it serve? 

 I realised if I want to indulge on watching funny videos and Special Ops, then I better give up wallowing in self pity. I now hurry up with my work or rather I have slotted time for my kitchen work and my fun things. I do not give up on my me time which includes sleeping, meditating, calling family etc. I have given a pause to cleaning shelves and removing clutter. I feel I am poor than all the people who have live in maids now. I feel I am inefficient, Lockdown or no Lockdown.  Some old stories do not change and some old records keep running. Now the scratchiness in the sound is bothering me. I want to drop all this junk I am carrying with me through years. Am I ready to dump the garbage ? May be it served some purpose then but definitely does not serve me now. I am not even willing to call my hurt and pain as garbage. Why is garbage bad?  So much attachment to pain rather than to Love. 

Notes to myself:
Udiyon Naa Dariyon, Kar Manmaani, manmaani. 



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