Me and myself

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If someone asks me what do I enjoy doing the most, my answer would be nothing. Some people like watching movies, travelling, eating, chatting, hiking, reading, running and so on. I am just content to be at home. No reading, no chatting and really doing nothing. In physical space, we keep saying I did nothing but the mind is in the overactive zone always. The nothingness seems as elusive concept. For me, nothingness doesn't come even during meditation. The mind is so wired to think and worry. Worry about a life not well lived, things not done properly, circumstances being adverse, my appearance not been like a model, my family not being like the ideal one in ad films, my town not being the best I wanted to grow up in, the extra curricular activities which were never there, the physical fitness or the sports I never got to play. The mind has this habit of making me feel awful. Awful about where I was in life and how I am now in life. It also makes me feel awful about myself as I see a super successful friend/colleague. When I see someone who is highly talented, I feel I was not born with it. Certain cases I feel I never learnt it and now it is too late. Basically, it is a blame here and a little blame there. The mind doesn't let you be. It never tells me any answers. It supplies me with bigger problems. In most cases, it was not that I wanted to be something and I could not. I managed to do well in all the things I wanted to. I did not up my game then, is how I am thinking about myself now. I see a whole new world and feel that I did not achieve anything. 

I know I am not being the ideal mother to my children. A mother who never screams and shouts. A mother who is a great chef and can whip magical dishes at a moment's notice, a mother who is good in art and craft, a mother who knows it all. But who said I have to be like that ? Me to myself. This conversation between me and myself is not exactly fun. Most days I fail miserably in this. The competition between the me and the ideal me...the one I want to be but never have been. The 'ideal me' is a monster created by me. It is like my shadow, always around, even if I do not look for it. And this ideal me makes me a failure in all areas. 

Do you have an image of an 'ideal you' which you want to become?

Comments

  1. UnknownApril 26, 2017 at 7:22 PM

    Brilliant Parul , who would have imagined you to be a brilliant writer ? Mehul Vora

    ReplyDelete
  2. Parul KanseApril 27, 2017 at 4:37 AM

    Thank you, Mehul. Exploring myself in the zone.

    ReplyDelete
  3. ShipraApril 27, 2017 at 6:31 AM

    Good writeup Parul. I am in this zone often comparing myself to others. I am learning to accept and love myself with all the imperfections. I am worthy.

    ReplyDelete

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