Me and myself

-
If someone asks me what do I enjoy doing the most, my answer would be nothing. Some people like watching movies, travelling, eating, chatting, hiking, reading, running and so on. I am just content to be at home. No reading, no chatting and really doing nothing. In physical space, we keep saying I did nothing but the mind is in the overactive zone always. The nothingness seems as elusive concept. For me, nothingness doesn't come even during meditation. The mind is so wired to think and worry. Worry about a life not well lived, things not done properly, circumstances being adverse, my appearance not been like a model, my family not being like the ideal one in ad films, my town not being the best I wanted to grow up in, the extra curricular activities which were never there, the physical fitness or the sports I never got to play. The mind has this habit of making me feel awful. Awful about where I was in life and how I am now in life. It also makes me feel awful about myself as I see a super successful friend/colleague. When I see someone who is highly talented, I feel I was not born with it. Certain cases I feel I never learnt it and now it is too late. Basically, it is a blame here and a little blame there. The mind doesn't let you be. It never tells me any answers. It supplies me with bigger problems. In most cases, it was not that I wanted to be something and I could not. I managed to do well in all the things I wanted to. I did not up my game then, is how I am thinking about myself now. I see a whole new world and feel that I did not achieve anything. 

I know I am not being the ideal mother to my children. A mother who never screams and shouts. A mother who is a great chef and can whip magical dishes at a moment's notice, a mother who is good in art and craft, a mother who knows it all. But who said I have to be like that ? Me to myself. This conversation between me and myself is not exactly fun. Most days I fail miserably in this. The competition between the me and the ideal me...the one I want to be but never have been. The 'ideal me' is a monster created by me. It is like my shadow, always around, even if I do not look for it. And this ideal me makes me a failure in all areas. 

Do you have an image of an 'ideal you' which you want to become?

Comments

  1. UnknownApril 26, 2017 at 7:22 PM

    Brilliant Parul , who would have imagined you to be a brilliant writer ? Mehul Vora

    ReplyDelete
  2. Parul KanseApril 27, 2017 at 4:37 AM

    Thank you, Mehul. Exploring myself in the zone.

    ReplyDelete
  3. ShipraApril 27, 2017 at 6:31 AM

    Good writeup Parul. I am in this zone often comparing myself to others. I am learning to accept and love myself with all the imperfections. I am worthy.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Nange Paon in Navratri

-
When I was working and staying in the hostel, I kind of stopped believing in most festivals and rituals. I thought all this was some weird things which people did, it had no scientific base and why should I follow anyone. In the college hostel, vacations were time to go home and not connected with any festival except Diwali. Sophia College hostel was a cocoon in the heart of South Mumbai. The campus with an old palace building was a quiet oasis with trees and birds, in the mayhem of Mumbai. No festival touched it unless the college celebrated it. The Polytechnic had rock shows and one Dandiya night every year, which it soon stopped having by 1988. Only celebration was the Vegetable Biryani in lunch on Sundays. The Polytechnic hostel did not even believe in pampering the children with food. Memories of bread being there round the clock for breakfast, lunch, tea and dinner. For them, while the non vegetarians ate eggs for breakfast, the vegetarian had bread. And then when non vegetaria...
Read more

Shraddh period in Hinduism

-
According to the Hindu calendar, this is the shraddh period going on.  For fifteen days in a year, the ancestors are remembered and prayed to. No auspicious events / ceremonies take place in this time. People use the tithi/date of death to invite a Pandit and feed the departed soul. It means you remember the person passed away, give food to the Pandit and the crows. People keep a cooked meal on the terrace. They try to make the favourite food of the departed person. My memories are of my Grandma mixing and crushing all the savouries with her hands and when it was in form of  a paste, my Uncle would go to the terrace and throw the food for the crows. Crows in Hinduism are considered messengers of the departed souls. A lot of people feed Gathiyas to the crows for the full year. If your ancestors are happy, then your life goes well ,is the general belief amongst Hindus. The shraddh period falls exactly between Ganpati and Navratri. One does not buy a house or have...
Read more

Antakshari

-
Today we were playing antakshari at the Holi get together. We did not know any new songs so naturally only the golden melodies were being sung. The whole generation playing antakshari was singing the similar era songs on the alphabets they got. I realised a couple of things. In English language there is no game like Antakshari. How many sentences end with I or The? How can you sing when most songs start with I, The, Once, When and How?I cannot resist explaining the game, we all grow up with, in India. Antakshari means Ant : end , Akshar: alphabet ie last letter of the word. Akshar also means God. It also means God has the last word. Its a game with two teams and we call the teams as  'party'.  We say "Baithey baithey kya karein, karna hai kuchh kaam, shuru karo antakshari , le ka Hari ka naam." Translated from Hindi, We are sitting idle, lets do some work, lets start antakshari, starting with God's name. In Indian games, there is a lot of religion or belief in Go...
Read more