New Friends

Last week, I was showing off to a new friend how I have been practising Yog for years. He asked me, 'How many years?' I was little hesitant and then said 'Almost six years, though not regularly'. His response was that in five years you should have been able to master it. I squirmed and did not explain to him that even now I cannot touch my toes and Shirshaasan is still a faraway dream for me. That's the thing with new friends, they do not know you well and can shake you up completely. I seem to have woken up from my slumber. What is it with me? Why don't I want to master Yog? Why am I not committed enough to learn my stretches and Aasanas well? My idea of learning something 'well' is definitely not the same as my teacher's or my new friend's idea of 'well'. In school , students always had a desire to score high marks and come first in class. I was never into sports, but I did want to win a race and excel in a game. At work, I did want to achieve high numbers and overshoot my targets. I wanted to bring in higher revenue for the organisations I worked for. I always thought good results and good increments were directly proportional to each other. Alas I learnt differently. Will not say the same about school. Though in our school girls conversations , we did call some teachers partial.

'New friend' what a strange word. It has a lot of 'spice' to it. What do you call an acquaintance whom you get to know a little more? A friend is supposed to know everything about me. I am not one of those who compartmentalises conversations with friends. May be, I do. I avoid topics, which I know a friend is uncomfortable with. So with a divorcee friend, I do not talk about marital bliss. With a single friend, I avoid talking about partnership at home. With a friend struggling with her finances, I would ideally not want to discuss my latest purchase or my desire to buy something expensive. With new friends, I can just talk and laugh about everything and nothing in particular. There are no threads to pick up from the past. I am not interested in their past and vice versa. Now the point is, is your present enough to create and sustain a friendship?.

I am most comfortable with my school friends and my hostel friends as there is no perceived threat from them. I am not good at meeting acquaintances and investing in the relationship to convert it into friendship. I am always concerned about the friend introducing us, misinterpreting. Gosh, I sound so calculative in my approach! What is gradual about friendship? We are no longer in school, hostel or office that I will meet certain people on every single day and there will be interactions . When I am at home as a house wife, home maker, stay at home mom, parent, cook, housekeeper, accountant, nanny, driver, hostess etc etc., the only interactions are with family and the support staff. Any other interaction or gesture of friendship is an effort on my part or theirs.  The natural part is I like people so it is easy for me to talk, interact and share. The same may not be the case with other people, acquaintances or new friends. I may want my different sets of friends to get along with each other but that may not be their prerogative. I may be possessive about my friends and do not want them to interact as that will spoil my fun. With my friendly overtures, does it look as if I am piling on? There are new friends who may not reciprocate my friendliness, am I still interested in pursuing their friendship? How many times will I make a 'Hello, How are you' call before I start expecting a call from them? There are people who are uncomfortable visiting anyone's house, they'd rather meet at a restaurant or for coffee. Am I okay with that and for how long? Does all the new friends' partying lifestyle fit into my house routine, my early morning Yog and my habit of making hot breakfast? Can we have meaningful conversations without knowing each other? Is someone really as interested in my life as I am in theirs? Is wanting to know someone called 'being nosy'?

 Sometimes, I think old acquaintances make good new friends. There is a background of relatedness there. But if you did not like them then, chances are you won't like them now. Do old flames make good 'new' friends? How is it if the new friend is a man or a woman or a child? People are in their comfort zones. A new male acquaintance calling me or wanting to meet me, will give me ideas. A new woman acquaintance making efforts to be friends is acceptable. But what if I do not want to be friends with a new acquaintance?  Now if I start making friendly overtures, does it look as if I am interested in him or want him to be interested in me? Will he think as if I am stringing him along or I am available? What if a friend's husband who is an acquaintance decides to become a friend? How will my friend feel about it? All this is a complex web of human relationships. Every sentence I wrote, I was thinking of different people in my life who are my friends or who I would like to be friends with, keeping all my considerations aside.