Mom and me as a Mom

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In school we learnt some funny two liners which rhymed and were used to tease other children. One of them was " Nadi Kinare saanp hai, Wohi tumhara Baap hai." We said it in a singsong way to tease other girls. All would be very offended by it. It meant, there is a snake by the river side and he is your father.We thought that a snake is a bad animal and the ultimate bad thing to do is to say something bad about some one's father. Actually we did not think all this or understood the meaning of it. We said it because we knew it was bad and it rhymed. On a warm evening, I was wearing my white cotton petticoat with pink n blue birds embroidered on it. Once I came from school, Mom changed me into these white cotton slips which were embroidered and could be used as inner wear too. She was oiling and combing my hair, looking for butchies. I did not like the fine tooth comb she was using. My thick hair really pulled from the scalp with that combing. I just rattled my newly learnt two lines. Oh My God! All hell broke loose as my Mom continued combing. She said I have said something bad about her father ie my Nana, and she will leave me and go away.

 I had never seen my maternal grandparents as they had passed away long back. I had been to Mom's maayka or her Mom's home and her Aunt lived there. The house had no traces of my Nana and Nani, maternal grandparents. I don't even remember a black and white picture in that house of my grandparents. I just remember a room which was supposed to be his room and an old radio which he used to listen to. My Mom's younger brother who is my Mama, used to listen to the radio. I was so scared that evening. I thought my Mom will just vanish into thin air and I will never get to see her again.The fear slept like a snake beside me that night. I swore never to say those words again. Its another matter that I learnt many more new bad words in the process.

Now as a mom, I am spewing venom at the children. I do not really care about my language when I am angry with them.I shudder to think the fears they are growing up with. When I hear friends saying their Moms never shouted at them, I am ashamed of myself. My Mom is always telling me to never ever shout at my kids. She says it hampers their growth. I listen to her and then I loose my head so often. I wish I had a calming tonic or I could just not express my views to my children. I want to be a good Mom and a guide to them. But I fall short more often than I would like to.

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