My silver lining

I am struggling to stay up in the daytime. No, I do not have an infant at home and nor do I have sleepless nights. I am just waking up at the ungodly hour of 5.30am every single weekday morning. Never knew, I would have so much to sleep. It is all due to the change in schedule because I now have one child going to a morning school. For the non Bombayites, let me explain. Lot of schools run in two shifts. It is because of space constraint or to run more than one board and get more students. The primary section of the school runs in the afternoon and the secondary in the morning.My days of partying on weeknights and watching late night movies are all over. I feel as if someone has put me under house arrest. The change in the school timings and I have to restructure my whole life. The way the household was working is not the same. I had to reschedule maid timings, my cooking timings and my meal menus too. We were used to reaching a dinner by nine and were usually amongst the last guests to leave. Alas, no more. In two weeks, I have refused three invitations. This is not only impacting my evening socialising but also the leisurely lunches I could go for and the afternoon shows I caught on my own.

Feel free to turn around and say "Whats the crib about?" I knew man is a social animal but I never knew I was such a party animal. Gosh, I am even willing to call myself an animal to explain a point. I am thoroughly disgusted though I am holding fine. I am scared too. It feels like now in my life "This is it". There seems a finality to my daily routine. It means for me that I can't have fun. I am so scared about the way my thoughts meander and into deep pits, if I may say so. I have this persistent dull headache which is more mental and less physical. The body is just rebelling to being tied down. I have never been a mom who leaves her kids back home to socialise. But now I just cant step out unless someone is babysitting in the day or the evening. With these two timings for two children, I cant leave them when they are about to go to school and also when they just come back from school. Life takes such a finality and every cell is my body is rebelling. Resisitng and rebelling against what? School? School timings? Fate? Maid timings? Extra meals to be cooked? No"me" time? No swimming? No evening walks? No activity with hubby? Stress round the clock? No live in maid? No time for lazy afternoon teas at home with friends? No afternoon shopping sprees?

The time is there just the space I am in is not conducive to any creation. I have no one to blame for my upsets. I usually manage to find a guinea pig to blame, but even that has slipped off from my hands. I thought I could adjust to all situations as I have lived in a joint family and in hostels. But this is not a smooth ride. Two weeks and I feel butchered. I am trying to uplift my spirits by saying 'Its a matter of time,' 'This too shall pass','Keep Going, Girl' and 'Eventually everybody adjusts'. I am not looking for sympathy and would not want pity. But cant imagine spending the next eight years of my life like this. If I cant be with my family, what social cause can I stand up for? I am so bogged down by my day to day living that do I have time for someone else? A friend once told me that its only about giving fifteen years of your life to your children. I don't know if even a lifetime is enough. But I have You to talk to. You, for a no holds barred chat. May sound one way, but I defintely experience communication from you.I know you are my silver lining. I also know there are no dark clouds. Its me and my resistance.