Its difficult to say I love you and mean it all the time. I don't even to know when I say something, do I mean it? When I am shouting at children, I say a lot of mean things. I do not mean that to happen ever to them. I curse myself and use a lot of cuss words on myself. Do I mean that? No. So what do I really mean when I say something? If I am praising someone, I have to mean it, even if it is momentary. Or else the person will know I am lying. If I say something out of habit, I mean that as that held true for me for a long time. Sometimes when I say, I love you, do I mean Thanks for your call or Thanks for the work you did for me? Its a feeling I have and I interpret it into words. I say the words which come the easiest to me. It could be words of love or words of anger. Do I mean every word I say? When I click on Like for every friend's wall post on Facebook, do I mean it?I am not too sure.
There are so many broken promises in my words. I say I will visit but I don't. The person never even calls me again to check when I shall come or why I have not come to their house. Someone asks for a number or a recipe on sms. I would rather call and give the information. The person does not call and I do not bother giving the information. I feel if they really are keen to get it, they shall call. I don't call but it weighs on my mind that they needed the recipe or the details. May be they just asked for it to show they are interested but that was a temporary interest. Same happens for play dates for children. The mother child visit us and return with the promise of us visiting them. After that I never get a call about when we should visit them. Is that a broken promise to my children? I remember the confirmed play date without a firm date/time and how it breaks a child's heart. When I do not do a project for my child or bring the stationary required by school on time, it is a broken promise. Do I want to be good to myself and call it "procrastination"?
We break the maximum promises with ourselves. I want to be a great mother and how many times in the day I loose my head? I want to be efficient and organized. Really, how much time in a day, am I putting to organize my house or my schedule? I want to be healthy and have a well toned body. How many times I bunk yoga because I want to catch a few more winks or I put the alarm off and forget to get up? The day starts with me dealing with my broken promise. Me blaming myself and getting angry with myself. Sometimes I feel I would do all stuff properly if I was not married. I say if I was single, I would focus only on myself and not be scatter brained about my house or children. I know if I was single, I would have had whole new set of broken promises to deal with.I remember, as children we would say, 'God Promise' and pinch our neck with our fingers. 'God Promise' was uttered to make the most insane plans, to convince your best friend who was angry with you, to tell your neighborhood kids that you are not Out in the game and what not.
I have now decided not to make any promises and even in that I am breaking the biggest promise to myself. The promise to have a great life full of love and happiness.