When I write about Jharia and Dhanbad, I feel so far away from it. A friend wrote that past is but an inventive land. I don't know if I am creating happy memories. If I am then am I being truthful to myself? When I think of school or college, was I really happy that time? Or am I comparing it to my current life and deciding that was a happier life? I don't know if in my desire to write well, I am writing only good things. Is it to impress you I say 'all is hunky dory'?
When you ask me "How's life?" , its a a very big question for me. You don't ask me, how I am. You want to know how my life is. My life is me, my family, my friends, my married life, my social life, my relationships, my child rearing abilities, my reading, my writing, my health,my ever changing views and much more. When you ask me How is life, are you expecting me to look into all this and the choices I have made? Are you wanting me to justify my decisions? Why does your question torment me? Whereas anyone else asking this question would have got a standard reply. I am even uneasy to say Status quo, coz you know its not. I am not willing to say Great, with the fear that you might think I am fibbing. I am not even going into my past to reply to you. But telling you about the maid asking more money or the ac repair guy wanting me to give him the contract directly instead of through his company or the building plumber ringing my door bell in the middle of the afternoon to fix the valve on the terrace, doesn't make sense. I am sure you did not call up for this kind of information. You want to know how is life Well my life is full of these kind of activities peppered with a few hurried phone calls to friends. You want to know how my life is, When I can't even meditate for a minute in the yoga class. My brains are on an overdrive mode from the time I am about to open my eyes. Have I read a good book which I can discuss with you? No, I barely manage to look at the newspapers. Am I sounding like a boring housewife? May be to you and you never much cared about that variety. You always wanted your woman to have a lot of spunk and brains. Am I brain dead or am I mismanaging my life? Would you really be interested to know? Did you want to know if I still hold on to old cards, gifts, dried flowers? Well I am not a romantic any more. I don't even keep stuff which the kids have drawn for me, where is the space for old Archies cards? Does it mean I have got into routine? Well I could never match your bohemian lifestyle. Does my hair cascade down my shoulders? Only on the days I shampoo and the rest of the time I am at home in the kitchen with it bunched up. You can also know that I have started greying. Do I still enjoy pista milkshake or sev puris? Where I live I don't get good stuff in both categories. Have my taste buds changed? Yes, now I can eat Chinese without wincing and also can eat food with coconut. Do I still laugh loudly? Almost never. Do I fight with my family? Often when they keep the house messy or don't eat the food I have cooked.
You just asked me a simple question and look at the explanations I have started giving you. I am still shaken n stirred when a question is so loaded and I don't mean it in the sexual sense. You just bring out the nervous babbling self in me. otherwise, my life is pretty much controlled. Controlled by my needs and wants of people. Let me also tell you I am good at handling all of that. And that little bit about me which stays unfulfilled, well who cares? Its just me.