Happy memories

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What do you write when you loose a person who is a close friend, childhood pal and a cousin? Nothing comes to this numb mind. Everything I do is in auto mode. When the person is alive and kicking, I did not think of him so much. Now he is no more in the physical world, he has started living in my mind every single moment.

His going away has left a deep gash and all is bullshit. I know I grew for 40 years with him. Writing about him in past tense doesn't feel good. I did not see him for three years and yet we lived thru our words. I just know he almost read all that I wrote and he would discuss that with me. He liked me to write and had big dreams for me. He wanted me to pursue them. His going away and I was not willing to write at all. How strange the human mind or heart works. This is as close as I have come to share a thing so close and so current in my life. Most things I write about is after I have achieved a closure in my mind. I can share when I am complete about the emotion or the feelings have ran their course and I am now able to look at it as an outsider too. So the emotion does take me back to the place, incident and people, it just doesn't impact or hurt the way it had. Here I am trying to dissect my emotions and give you explanations about why I did not write. This is all so much of garbage. I am constantly justifying all my actions or lack of them.

Whatever I write is not in Memory, it is in love. Love for someone who brought joy to so many hearts. I never heard him unhappy, angry or sad on the phone for the last 22 years. He was always happy and cheerful even if I cried my woes to him. He managed to cheer me at the end of every single call. He never complained about anyone or anything his town, health, friends, money, family. We talked endlessly. I would share all the new happenings in my life and we laughed a lot together. Just his laughter was so infectious. He kept in touch with all extended family. He remembered all birthdays and anniversaries. He loved us and we love him.

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