New

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'New post' even the word scares. New relationships scare me. New nuances in old relatiomships are scary too. New clothes- I take long to wear them. New jewellery- I take not so long to wear it. New Gizmos- I never want to start. It is just the "wanna be"in me which keeps me a bit aware or updated. Otherwise I think new news has no use for me.
At the same time, I am some one who is constantly talking of giving up the old things, clothes, knick knacks, pictures,sheets, mugs, bags etc. Old wounds are also a part of this de cluttering process. Then how come one word from a friend and a laugh from a family member brings back all the hurt of fifteen twenty years? I was not even present that this existed within me. So much pain of my youth and childhood I am carrying with me and not even aware. In a fraction of a second, the cool calm collected Parul is transported to the scene of tears and betrayal of trust. Right now ,I am angry with myself. Everytime, I think I have healed and on a high. Life tell me, "Baby there is more to clean up."
I am amazed how much the human mind can store. A smell can trigger a reaction . Like beef takes me back to my first years in the hostel when I thought I will just die with the smell of it cooking. Fragrance in a cousin s car has not changed for the last 20 years inspite of new cars and new car perfumes. The hurts are more potent. They come back when I least expect it. I am talking on the phone with a friend but my eyes are moist. I want to explain but am unable to. They all seem to understand except me. Some times the only thing I hear from friends is Aisa hota hai, chill and jaane bhi do naa. I want to scream at that point that if it has not gone for 20 years, how do you expect it to just vanish?
It is also not about forgiving others. I just want to be able to forgive myself. I just want to be able to tell myself, it is okay if you did not stand up for yourself. I do not want to blame the people I love so much. Can I stop blaming myself and loving myself? Can I accept the old and the new me?
Right now the answer is a flat NO.

Comments

  1. Gajraj RaoDecember 7, 2009 at 7:17 AM

    roz subah kapalbhati aur pranayam karo, sab theek ho jayega...

    ReplyDelete

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