New

-
'New post' even the word scares. New relationships scare me. New nuances in old relatiomships are scary too. New clothes- I take long to wear them. New jewellery- I take not so long to wear it. New Gizmos- I never want to start. It is just the "wanna be"in me which keeps me a bit aware or updated. Otherwise I think new news has no use for me.
At the same time, I am some one who is constantly talking of giving up the old things, clothes, knick knacks, pictures,sheets, mugs, bags etc. Old wounds are also a part of this de cluttering process. Then how come one word from a friend and a laugh from a family member brings back all the hurt of fifteen twenty years? I was not even present that this existed within me. So much pain of my youth and childhood I am carrying with me and not even aware. In a fraction of a second, the cool calm collected Parul is transported to the scene of tears and betrayal of trust. Right now ,I am angry with myself. Everytime, I think I have healed and on a high. Life tell me, "Baby there is more to clean up."
I am amazed how much the human mind can store. A smell can trigger a reaction . Like beef takes me back to my first years in the hostel when I thought I will just die with the smell of it cooking. Fragrance in a cousin s car has not changed for the last 20 years inspite of new cars and new car perfumes. The hurts are more potent. They come back when I least expect it. I am talking on the phone with a friend but my eyes are moist. I want to explain but am unable to. They all seem to understand except me. Some times the only thing I hear from friends is Aisa hota hai, chill and jaane bhi do naa. I want to scream at that point that if it has not gone for 20 years, how do you expect it to just vanish?
It is also not about forgiving others. I just want to be able to forgive myself. I just want to be able to tell myself, it is okay if you did not stand up for yourself. I do not want to blame the people I love so much. Can I stop blaming myself and loving myself? Can I accept the old and the new me?
Right now the answer is a flat NO.

Comments

  1. Gajraj RaoDecember 7, 2009 at 7:17 AM

    roz subah kapalbhati aur pranayam karo, sab theek ho jayega...

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Nange Paon in Navratri

-
When I was working and staying in the hostel, I kind of stopped believing in most festivals and rituals. I thought all this was some weird things which people did, it had no scientific base and why should I follow anyone. In the college hostel, vacations were time to go home and not connected with any festival except Diwali. Sophia College hostel was a cocoon in the heart of South Mumbai. The campus with an old palace building was a quiet oasis with trees and birds, in the mayhem of Mumbai. No festival touched it unless the college celebrated it. The Polytechnic had rock shows and one Dandiya night every year, which it soon stopped having by 1988. Only celebration was the Vegetable Biryani in lunch on Sundays. The Polytechnic hostel did not even believe in pampering the children with food. Memories of bread being there round the clock for breakfast, lunch, tea and dinner. For them, while the non vegetarians ate eggs for breakfast, the vegetarian had bread. And then when non vegetaria
Read more

Antakshari

-
Today we were playing antakshari at the Holi get together. We did not know any new songs so naturally only the golden melodies were being sung. The whole generation playing antakshari was singing the similar era songs on the alphabets they got. I realised a couple of things. In English language there is no game like Antakshari. How many sentences end with I or The? How can you sing when most songs start with I, The, Once, When and How?I cannot resist explaining the game, we all grow up with, in India. Antakshari means Ant : end , Akshar: alphabet ie last letter of the word. Akshar also means God. It also means God has the last word. Its a game with two teams and we call the teams as  'party'.  We say "Baithey baithey kya karein, karna hai kuchh kaam, shuru karo antakshari , le ka Hari ka naam." Translated from Hindi, We are sitting idle, lets do some work, lets start antakshari, starting with God's name. In Indian games, there is a lot of religion or belief in Go
Read more

Shraddh period in Hinduism

-
According to the Hindu calendar, this is the shraddh period going on.  For fifteen days in a year, the ancestors are remembered and prayed to. No auspicious events / ceremonies take place in this time. People use the tithi/date of death to invite a Pandit and feed the departed soul. It means you remember the person passed away, give food to the Pandit and the crows. People keep a cooked meal on the terrace. They try to make the favourite food of the departed person. My memories are of my Grandma mixing and crushing all the savouries with her hands and when it was in form of  a paste, my Uncle would go to the terrace and throw the food for the crows. Crows in Hinduism are considered messengers of the departed souls. A lot of people feed Gathiyas to the crows for the full year. If your ancestors are happy, then your life goes well ,is the general belief amongst Hindus. The shraddh period falls exactly between Ganpati and Navratri. One does not buy a house or have a wedding in this time.
Read more