Ditching

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I am perpetually cleaning stuff at home. If one part is clean, the other is screaming for attention. Some times I just stare at the stuff without doing a thing about it. It bothers me but I take my own sweet time to sort it. A friend said that I should write my post and leave it for a while.Maybe take a walk , come back and re read and then make necessary changes required and finally post it. I am so impulsive that I cant wait. I have to do things when I set my mind to it. His idea was, to improve the quality of the writing, I have to let it set in. I cannot keep dishing out impulsive stuff to my friends and readers.

I am like this in talking too. I can just say anything and almost everything to people. I then repent at leisure once I have seen the consequences. Most friends stop talking and communicating after they are upset. For some days, I think they are busy, then I think they will return my call or message later. I keep trying to get in touch and dont succeed. In the end I give up most of the time not figuring that which of my conversation caused this upset or this drastic non communicaton mode. Lot of the time, friends believe in hearsay. They have an image of me and the conversation they hear fits the bill. Bang, their decision is made and I am left fumbling with many questions.Am I being ditched?

Since its Mumbai, the friends are very sophisticated about it. There are no wars, no harsh words, no reply to calls and messages.Its a gentle drop down which I take time to realise. I just can't understand why and when a friend wants to call it quits. Friends of both sexes behave exactly in the same manner. Mumbai friends don't want explanations, they just move to other friends. Yes, I do know I am responsible for all my relationships and I have to make them work if I want them. The ego kicks in after a lot of unanswered calls and messages. I cannot understand when a person has had her fill. Somewhere I still believe friendships are for life and have to be nurtured ongoingly. A lot of my friends do not even have time on the phone. They are always rushing to do other things.I am ditched. May be I have too much time on my hands, so I am a demand on my friends.

Remember a college sweetheart doing exactly the same. He turned up for the college fest holding another girl's hand. Gosh, I can still remember the scene, my fake smile, his genuine one and hers a preening one. I can even remember her orange dress and matching heels. I kept wondering what did I do wrong, I had just come back from my vacation from Dhanbad. Those days I was still getting used to staying so far away from home and hostel life. Was still raw inside and Mumbai was  slowly putting its garb on me. The heart bleeds and I smile with my unshed tears.

Time to get back to cleaning...

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